Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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