used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
