Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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