seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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