I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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