So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
