I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Two words: blizzard sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
