Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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