So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
