So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize