this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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