Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
