Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i out mim tonsoeep
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