Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
