"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize