i already hear my dad disowning me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
