you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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