I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
