she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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