You tried to poop in the sink last night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
