can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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