He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
