The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
