Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This is my gift to your gina
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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