Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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