with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
