yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
