You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
