he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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