miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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