it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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