You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
