so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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