I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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