I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
