Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
