Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
