Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
