Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
