Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
