You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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