You smell like a Billy Joel song
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
