I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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