John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
