You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
