My cat gives me a boner
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize