So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
