How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
FUCK WHALES
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize