my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize