So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
