Just fell off a train. Bad.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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