it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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