Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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