you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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