Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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