Screwed.edu
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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