At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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