I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
