Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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