dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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