as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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