Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
